Lighten up!
LINKS
Lighten up! |
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It helps sometimes! |
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LINKS |
a few jokes
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF AND
READ A BOOK WHEN...
1. A friend calls and says "How are
you? Your phones have been busy 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.
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| 10 BASIC THOUGHTS 1) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes. 2) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.... | 3) I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. 4) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"? 5) Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 6) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 7) I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 8) I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. 9) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals. 10) Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."
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| Retirement from a Child's Perspective After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following: "We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
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| This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the
Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back=20 through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it happen the first time" the man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
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| A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the 2nd hearse was a solitary woman walking a Great Dane on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss & I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my cheating, no good, lying husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the 2nd hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Yep, get in line."
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| GOLDEN ADVICE A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long andhappy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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| An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told
the priest the following: "Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long." The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were at confession?" The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm Jewish." The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?" The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"
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| WOMEN'S ENGLISH "Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now. "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later. "We need to talk" = I need to complain. "sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to. "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs. "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house. "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... "I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep. "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive. "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like. "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful. "You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me. "Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
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| If you are from the Northern States or Canada and
planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 5. You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 6. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying, they can't understand you either. 7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol," as in "big 'ol truck" or "big 'ol boy". Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. 8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this!"...stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words that he'll ever say. 11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store, it doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 12. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. 13. In the South we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. 14. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. 15. Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this...
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| IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like now, but will learn to like a lot less. ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny people meet. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as taking a pill, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex who is unattractive or has some other flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABITS what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIONSHIPS the less you care about a given man, the harder he is to get rid of. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. POTATO CHIPS the hor d'oeurves served at a party given by a man. SOBER a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
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| A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. " Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
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| THREE WISE WOMEN ,You do know... what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
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| White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see
Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face, but no one dared ask the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary, walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said. "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's a Patch. I'm trying to quit."
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A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
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| A certain man had a great reputation for always catching
his limit of fish. Everyone wanted to know his secret. One day the game warden asked to go along to see where he was fishing. The man and the game warden got into a boat and rowed to the middle of a nearby lake. The fisherman threw over an anchor, and then reached into a paper sack. He pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit a match to the fuse, and tossed it into the lake. There was a huge explosion and several fish floated to the surface. The game warden was irate. He yelled, "You can't do that! It's against the law!" The fisherman then reached into the sack and pulled out another stick of dynamite. He lit the fuse and then threw it into the lap of the game warden. As he did this he asked, "Are you going to talk or fish?"
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| An 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the
doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine hysical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
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| There were three guys sitting behind three nuns in a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the First one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics livingthere. The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there." One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."
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| A Little Reflection on Life as a Male When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large tits. When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide, so I decided I needed a girl with some stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless, so I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.
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| On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant
approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving. The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her. The captain replied: "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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| Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart! 1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10." 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Put M&M's on layaway. 8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms. 16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!" 20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
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| The top things you would NEVER hear a native Southerner
say, no matter how much he's had to drink, no matter how far from the South he's wandered, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening: 40. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids allowed in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrestling's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut's getting too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another dog. 24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? 23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit. 20. I just couldn't find a thing at WalMart today. 19. Trim the fat off that steak. 18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. 17. The tires on that truck are too big. 16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 15. I've got it all on the C drive. 14. Unsweetened tea tastes better. 13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? 12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. 10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. 9. Checkmate! 8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini. 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen! 5. I don't have a favorite college team. 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. 3. You All. 2. Those shorts oughtta be a little longer, Darla. 1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.
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| I Want A Divorce A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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| Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
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