A SAFE HARBOR

     I couldn't have felt more alone when I walked out of the Psychiatric
Ward of University Hospital more than 15 years ago. I had just spent 2
months being probed, questioned, observed and medicated and now, with a
couple of bottles of pills and a bipolar diagnoses, I was back on the
street. I remember feeling afraid. Afraid to face the truth about myself,
afraid to tell anyone and deathly afraid that "someone would find out!"
   14 years, and many years of therapy later, I had come to accept who I
was and I had dealt with the loss of friends and family who, by fear and
ignorance, had distanced themselves from me. I took my medications
religiously  and followed all the advice of my doctors, except one! Despite
living in a major city, I never was able to locate a bipolar support group
that I could attend. At first it wasn't a high priority on my list, but when
I started looking for support groups I could find none, A group for
Significant Others I found, but not one group for the people I felt needed
it the most. I was still alone. Doctors talked to me about how I felt but
how can they relate to something they couldn't experience? I was left with
many questions and no one to answer them.
     In late 1997 I happened across The Harbor of Refuge just when I needed
it most! I was being retired under medical conditions from the U S Postal
Service and had had 2 long periods in the hospital that year. (after 2

attempted suicides) My self esteem was at an all time low. I was more than
suprized at the warm greeting I received although nobody knew who I was. I
was bipolar, I was hurting and that's all anyone needed to know before
giving me a forum to speak and real feedback from people who KNEW the
heights and the depths that my soul could travel.

     Since that time I have never been alone. There has always been someone
there for me, and I in turn, try and return that sense of "being there" for
anyone that needs me. I never have to worry about a meeting schedule, The
Harbor is open 24 hours a day. When it became necessary to relocate my
family to another city, The Harbor and everyone in it moved with me. The
Harbor has become a part of my life. The support group that all bipolars
must have.  I could not put a value on it. What do I get from the harbor?
Hope, love acceptance and security

Dear Harbor:
I want to thank everyone for helping my SO and I.  I really wanted (may
still do) a divorce, but he's not.  The harbor gave him alternatives for
us to discuss and we
ended up with something in between.

My SO found the Harbor initially for support of his feelings, then
shared it with me.
I am at the Harbor more but he still gets here at times.  He's learned
quite a bit
about BP and continues to be amazed at how warm and forthcoming people
are here.  I personally enjoy and the give and take within the rooms.

 

Dear Harborites and soon to be Harborites,

I would like to share my experiences with you on how awesome Harbor-of-Refuge is!
Before I found this place, i felt totally lost, no-one understood me, understood bipolar,
or even dared to try.

I have found the most awesome family here a person could ever hope to find. You guys are the best.
Always there to lift you up when you are down, crack you up when you are manic, and the most supportive
group of people on the web. I truly treasure all of my friends and all of the Ops here.

I cannot begin to tell you all the times they have pulled me through tough times, given helpful advice,
or just a shoulder to cry on. And they are the most structured site on the web, very careful in what is
said and done there, and always ready to accept a new member with open arms, we may be a close knit family,
but there is always room for a new member!

Harbor-Of-Refuge is the safest place I know of! Internet or outside world. I feel that they are the perfect
therapy for me.

Tippy, you have worked your hiney off on this place and we really do salute you and all the other OPs who work
so hard on maintaining this Refuge for us!

Thanks to all my family,
((((((((((((Harbor))))))))))))

 

Dear ______,
I was talking to _______ today, and telling her how I think the Harbor
saved my life. And she said I should write and tell you about it. As a
matter of fact, I think the site should be called "The Harbor of Heaven"...
Last summer I was involuntarily commited to the state mental hospital
here in ________. I guess as such hospitals go, this one is very new,
with a Japanese Tea Garden, and a beautiful greenhouse to work in if you
have privledges. By the way, please excuse my spelling, because I can't!
Anyway, I was attacked twice in the hospital, once sexually, once physically
(by another female patient who smashed up my Sony Portable CD player, which
was my only refuge in the hospital.) It was also my b'day gift from my husband, and it meant a lot to me.
So I had been psychotic once before I was dx'ed. I was in ________,
and managed to bankrupt us...$25,000 on credit cards, and lost and gave away
$5,000in cash before the bank called my husband and said, do you know what
is going on. Of course by then, it was a bit late. I wouldn't come back
home, and was living on the streets before exhaustion, hunger, and a sudden
horrible depression drove me back home. (I had been holding a return
ticket.) I was in bed lying there facing the wall and wishing I was dead
for 6 months.
Then my therapist terminated me...and I broke my leg that night and
went manic, only on a ton a narcotic pain meds. When my orthopedis said it
was time to think of tapering my meds, I just stopped taking them...and
again, became psychotic. That time I just ended up in our local hospital's
psych ward, in a wheel chair with a broken leg.
Finally found a new pdoc, who mis-dx'ed me with depression, and put me
on PAXIL! Guess how long it took for me to fly over the moon?? And that
brings us up to date on last summer and how I ended up in the state mental
hospital where I was finally dx'ed bipolar. By then I was also psychotic,
so finally zyprexa brought me back to earth. But my current pdoc says there
was some ? as to whether or not they would be able to break through the
psychosis.
Now at this time, I only take depacote, wellbutrin, klonopin, and
atavan prn. I am doing so great. But when I got out of the hospital my
self esteem was destroyed. I never laughed. I never read a book. I
stopped doing all my art work. Then around last Dec. someone gave me this
really old computer, and I looked up bipolar chat rooms...just like that,
the first thing I did. And the Harbor is the first and only one I ever have
visited.
________ welcomed me to the Harbor, and by the end of that conversation,
I felt the first glimmer of hope. That I wasn't alone in this world of
mental illness. That there were some really caring people here.
Gradually I have come to hear stories as heartbreaking as my own, some
worse. And I have laughed until I wet my pants, with some of the nonsense
that we can cook up. I am so grateful for what you and a few others have
created here. There really are no words for it. I am actually proud to be
bipolar, or at least not ashamed of it. I tell anyone who asks how I am all
about it. Because I don't think it should be some dirty little secret. And
because I know some really wonderful people who are bipolar. And they are
all in the Harbor.
I don't have regular access to a car, and I have fibromyalgia which
makes each day a bit of a problem...going to a local support group isn't an
option for me. And I don't believe that I could have a better support group
than here in the Harbor. You guys are angels on earth...you know I'm not
religious or anything like that, but I know angels when I bump into them.
Please excuse me for rambling on and on, but it has been in my heart
for a long time to somehow thank someone for creating the Harbor. You can
share this email with ______ and ______, and anyone else I don't know who
started the Harbor.
I sometimes get a chance to talk with them and share my feelings for them,
but ______, you are rather elusive, to say the least... I sometimes say
"fresh" things trying to make you show up....________ said I would hurt your
feelings today, but then she understood that it is my weird and strange
sense of humor...I wish you could be talking to us in the Harbor more often.
Last week _____, ______, ______, ______, and _____ came to my house and we
had so much fun I almost died laughing. All new friends for the Harbor.
What a priceless gift.
So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I wish I had enough money
to send a donation, but I don't. So I am donating my love and respect
instead.
Always,
              ________